17th Rant : Back to where I was, far from where I was

Hello again.

2 and a half years later.

Things have changed a lot, and many new things happened, good, bad, and undefinable.

The "love" I said I confessed in the ....15th?...rant, I have concluded that this might not be love after all. I still don't know how love feels like, and I don't think of trying to know anymore. It bothered me too much and too long. Let my try no more.

Being nice and supportive to you makes me feel content. This is enough. For now, at least.

In other news, I am currently a university student. College life is fine, I guess. Troubles of all sorts bombard me from all possible directions, almost constantly. But hey, life isn't a fluffy wonderland of sweets. It's natural to struggle. To survive is not to just be alive.

Speaking of troubles, I think I have got a glimpse of what it means to work. It's a world full of people pretending to be professionals, with very few actual professionals and even fewer ideal individuals. There are a whole lot of those who aren't really capable, then there are those who can work well, but are also machines installed with ill-will. Of course, there are those who will help you, even if they aren't actually any good. But there are also those who will help just some people, and will give no chance to others. The world of grown-ups is filled with various kinds of people, and you must never forget that you too are part of those people. Make yourself a good one.

I've been learning, and forgetting, a lot of stuff. I always think I sacrificed English for Chinese. I think I was way better at English back then. I think I didn't have to pause every now and then to think of appropriate words to use like this. It's frustrating to know that you were better, you could do better in the past, but you can't do well like you did. You used to know, but now you don't.

I almost stop playing AQW completely by now. Studying abroad at Beijing forced me to abandon AQW via horrible internet access to the game's server. I tried Trove and Transformice, which were both nice but unfortunately not so suitable to play in my homeland. The ridiculous reason was my computer would overheat and there was no cool weather to calm it down. i went back to Aura Kingdom, Eden Eternal and even Luna Online, but they all were left behind brutally when Maple Story finally reopened in my country.

Maple Story is my favorite game. It is the game I love the most ever since I was a kid. I wear eyeglasses because I was addicted to it. I started getting myself revolved around games because of it. Although the game I learned many things from the most was AQW (I started learning English outside classrooms from it and it also helped a lot in practicing patience and determination.), now that I am back to the Maple world I missed, I get to look at this game I love from a slightly grown up point of view. I don't just play around anymore. I play, think why it is fun, how can it be improved, and what I am learning from it. At the very least, and most obviously, I continue to practice my determination and patience through games. Seriously, the jumping mini games of Maple are downright horrifying.

I've come so far but it looks like I'm actually back to where things were. We move on but that doesn't mean our life has to change entirely into something else, losing its original, or current, shape and form. There is also a possibility that things once gone will come back to you. I walk on a path I walked before and never walked before. Can I take a path I didn't take? No, this is not a second chance. This is a continuing road that never leads backward, No matter how things seem, the way is laid forward.

Let's continue.

16th Rant: I'm found lost.

I found it.
Long ago I found out that a certain best friend of mine had a blog.
I asked what's the name of the blog so that I could follow, but she refused.
I insisted.
She refused.
I insisted.
She's reluctant.
Aren't we best friends? I don't normally insist this much, but because we are best friends and I really want to see your skills. I want to see it so bad.
I could feel her extreme reluctance as she uttered the name of the blog.
A couple of days later, the blog was abandoned. No further update, no published contents.
Deleted.
All that was left behind was an empty shell of a once lively blog. I could imagine how much fun she had when the blog was still alive.
She said she was busy during that time so she could not update the blog regularly, but then why did she deleted all existed contents?
Did I ruined the fun?
Did I step into her personal area?
I was the reason, was I not?

I found it.
Minutes ago I found out that a certain best friend of mine had another blog.
It's a blog full of interesting writings by her. I could not believe my eyes as I read them.
I never knew she had such talent and skills to write this well.
I could even say mine's an unworthy particle of dust, and hers a star hidden in the night.
She had it.
She secretly had it all along.
The blog is her comfort zone.
It is where she can be herself, without worries that someone might see.
And I must not enter.
It doesn't matter if we're best friends; everyone has personal matters.
But why am I hurt?
Why do I feel pain?

Come and think of it, I've never been there.
Everyone his, or her, group of best friends.
The stayed together, had fun together, talked with each other since day one up until now.
I had none.
I did not have any groups. All I had was temporary groups for work purposes.
I had never been there.
What if my best friends were nothing more than a mere illusion set by me to trap myself in?
We were good friends, but never best friends.
I was a good friend, but never a best friend.
Was I even a good friend?
Am I left out all along?
I wasn't there, ain't there, and probably won't ever be there.

Sometimes I'm scared of myself. I looked so happy, but why am I writing such bitterness?
I look so happy when I'm with friends, yet when I confront my own self, I'm bitter.

I

What is it that is behind "I"?

Who am I?

15th ....I'm too shy.

...Hey.

    On Thursday I...k- kind of....confess...l- love... to someone....
But I was too shy to say it out loud.
So I wrote in the friendship book that that person gave to me to write a while ago.
But even so, I was still too shy to write it bluntly. I hid the messages in the text in the form of vertical sentences.

Like how, you ask?
I think you should try reading only the front letter of these red sentences.
Know now?
Ending of the first word is this sentence
This is the beginning of the second word
Honestly, why am I even doing this?
Is it that I just want that person to somehow come across this post and figure it out?
Seriously....

    ....To "that person". If you really come across this post try checking your friendship book page that I wrote for you vertically. You are a smart person, you should figure it out as soon as you notice it. I'm way too shy to speak out loud, I'm sorry. But I thought we've only got about 3 weeks left before we graduate, so...

    I often said that my type is a smart and nice person. The truth is there are so many people like that around me, but you are special. I felt nothing toward them all. That was until I got to get closer to you. I...I think....perhaps what between us is not just "best friends"...That's what I feel, at least...

    I have seen many couples around me. One side began by taking care of another for a while before they became a couple. But I don't have enough courage to do so. I don't know if you notice, but I've been unable to look into your eyes. I think I even tried to stay away and ignore you. That's not because I hate you. In fact, it's the complete opposite. I was just way too shy... and all of them will end now. We've got only 3 weeks left, so I started to get rid of that shyness and spend as much time with you as possible.

   To be honest, I'm not even sure if this is love. I have never experienced this type of love before, so I don't know how it feels to love someone like this. But I don't want to let go of this chance. I don't want to let go of you. At least, before we graduate.... I've got to tell you.

I love you.

Quick Update

Hi.

Just a quick update here. I'm still alive, but super, super, super, and super busy. I just want you to know that I'm not abandoning this blog, alright?

Also, my drawing diary failed. Fortunately, I've got a new hobby. Recently, I find myself enjoying doing SAT tests as my hobby. Quite a good solution if you think about it.

That's all I guess. See you guys later. Probably when my university rush ends. Back to work.

14th Rant: 1st Day of the 18th Year

Hi all. It's been a big while.

Actually I'm not really that free to write stuff here, but this entry is special.

And now, may I proudly announce...

.....my 18th birthday!

Yayyyyyyy.

Wow. To think that I've been born on this earth for 18 whole years. That's almost 2 decades. I was like an innocent random child yesterday, but then in the blink of an eye, I'm here. A 12th grade student trying to get to the university. Time skyrockets.

And because I like to think of a lot of things, once again I think I should do something as a celebration. Something beneficial, something worthwhile, something I've never been able to accomplish...

Apparently I thought of writing diaries, but then I realized I have this blog which serves like a sort of diary...

I KNOW!

I won't write a diary, but I'll illustrate a diary!

You probably didn't know, but I really love drawing. However I cannot draw by orders though. If you order me to draw a house, the end result would probably be a nothing-unique low quality house. But if you say "Draw anything you want." without any restrictions at all, the product might be quite interesting. At least that's what I believe.

Anyways, I'll begin it RIGHT NOW. When I finish drawing I'll show it here too! If I don't forget, of course.

That's all for today. I really have a lot to share with you, but I haven't got enough time and silence to do so. Sorry about that.

And thank you very much for reading! Happy Birthday to me, and to anyone who has his/her birthday on June 17!